Are we insane? Do you mean like Crazy Eddie TV's insane?"we've gone crazy slashing prices"? No we're perfectly sane as long as we're able to ignore the nagging voices in our heads.

  OK, I have received this question many times and I thought I might as well put it up here. Brett and I were in the midst of a martini fueled brainstorming session when the product name Penguin popped into our heads. We decided on Penguin for several reasons. 1) They are cool flightless birds and we haven't met a person yet who doesn't like Penguins 2) They connote imagery associated with mints, cool, arctic etc, without being overtly obvious. 3) We liked the colors. 4) It dosen't sound like a problem that is solved by medicated pads.

  Weird question, no they are not supposed to do that, I think you have too much salt in your diet.

  There are two ways to go about doing this. One solution would be to buck up and buy a twelve pack at the goods and share and share alike. The other solution, which I'm not going to go into here, could most likley get you arrested and locked away for a very,very long time.

  We have literally spent tens of millions of dollars on the best minds at Epps Place in Ballard, WA to assess and solve this doomsday scenario for us. We are confident that we have identified the problem and when the clock rolls over into the new year your Penguins will function just fine.

  ifive brands consists of Adam (that's me) and Brett. We are two intelligent, handsome and kind college friends who, fueled by our love of mints and desire to be our own bosses, decided to start our own consumer products company. We don't take too much seriously except for making sure our customers are happy, having fun, and enjoying our product.

  Brett looks a lot like Val Kilmer but better looking. This is unrelated to mints, though, so let's get back to talking about important stuff.

  We get this question all of the time. Penguins, like Viagra, are energizing and stimulating. However, Penguins do not come with the performance inhibiting anxiety associated with spending over $12 for one pill. Penguins cost only a fraction of that and give you good breath to boot.

  This is probably the most frequently asked question. Penguins are the best tasting mints in the world for the following reasons:

• We use a blend of Washington and Oregon grown peppermint, the finest in the world
• We use United States Pharmaceutical grade caffeine, the highest quality caffeine possible
• Penguins are made in the USA!

  Umm why yes... he is but let's stay on the subject here.

  Yes, if you live near an Urban Outfitters, Hot Topic, Bed Bath & Beyond, Nordstrom, or some other lucky retail store that has found out about Penguins. If you don't see them around, you can order right over the Internet (US only) from our The Goods page. If you want a store near you to carry them, have them call us and we'll hook them up.

  Three Penguins have about as much caffeine as one cola beverage.

How powerful they are depends on how sensitive you are to caffeine. I usually have about three every hour or so throughout the course of a day. That seems to keep me awake and alert without the jitters and frequent trips to the bathroom. You know yourself better than I do, so use your best judgment and find what works for you.

  Ordinarily, yes. However, there was a customer who sent us Russian Rubles in the mail. Sorry, Vladimir, that isn't a convertible currency. It must have cost you a fortune to send us that cash. The Ruble equivalent of $29.95 weighed in at about 57 kilos on our scale. US Funds only please, and no cash, only checks.

  Another very common question. We think the reason your sex life improved is because of the way you are using them. An e-mail recently circulated from a man who claimed his sex life was enhanced by using a brand of mints made in Britain. Penguins work the same way, without the inconvenience of a sour aftertaste. This sour taste is caused by animal byproducts (horse hooves anyone?) and sugar -two ingredients you fortunately won't find in Penguins.

  Those are different species of Penguins. We decided the paper needed to be both functional and interesting. See if other people can detect the theme behind it. Only about 1/8 of the population knows what all those names mean.

  Huh? Why do I get questions like this? I don't know but, being a fan of sequels, I sure hope so.

  Running this business doesn't leave us much spare time, but when we do have free time we design suspension bridges, write operas, work with underprivileged children, dabble in quantum physics, work on developing a mass transit system for Seattle (which desperately needs one), market our solution to the Y2K problem, and watch plenty of NASCAR Winston Cup Racing.

  Because you have great breath and you are fully energized.

  Perhaps, but we would need to do it before the new millennium because as soon as the clock strikes 11:59 on December 31st, 1999, we will be long gone to our underground fortified retreat in Eastern Washington.

  Although we have had a few requests to add sugar to out caffeinated mints, we have not yet decided whether or not we are going to make them. Probably not. Many of the dentists we have consulted have told us that eating mints with sugar in them will strip the enamel off of teeth about three times as fast as chewing on ice.

  Ron, we consulted our corporate dentists, and here's what the expert says:

Your rotting teeth could be attributed to many factors. Perhaps you are not brushing and flossing properly. This, paired with regular consumption of coffee and cigarettes, can be damaging to your teeth. More than likely, though, you are chewing on too many mints that have sugar and ground up horse hooves in them. Sugar will rot your teeth; horse hooves will ruin your social life.

  Our dentist's unbiased recommendation is that you switch to Penguin™ Caffeinated Peppermints. They will be better for your teeth and enhance your performance (both at work and play). Also, start brushing and flossing daily!